‘Red One’ Takes the Christmas Cheer Out of Santa Claus

Alci Rengifo

Even Santa Claus has been unsafe from the odd trends dominating franchises and corporate attempts at establishing brand “universes.” Consider “Red One,” an expensive, jacked up production that seems to believe Christmas cheer should be replaced with gloomy macho mayhem. It functions like a good reel for all the talent involved. The special effects are efficient, the sets detailed and a few in-jokes absurd guilty pleasures. Yet, we’re left wondering why this version of Santa needs to exist at all. The nature of the subject doesn’t vibe with the tone of the approach. Imagine Thomas the Tank Engine going off to fight terrorists.

The movie opens with Jolly St. Nick aka Santa Claus (J.K. Simmons) finishing up Christmas in Philadelphia, where his high-tech sled, code named Red One, is escorted by fighter jets as he takes off for the North Pole. His right hand or chief of security is Callum Drift (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson), who is planning to retire since he’s lost faith in the cause. There are more people on the naughty list than the good, and they don’t seem to care. Meanwhile, hacker Jack O’Malley (Chris Evans) sells information to high bidders but doesn’t realize he has given a mysterious buyer the coordinates to Santa’s headquarters. Intruders soon break in and kidnap “Nick,” threatening to ruin Christmas. Jack is scooped up by Callum and the Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority, led by Zoe (Lucy Liu). They need to rescue Nick before it’s too late.

Director Jake Kasdan has concocted one of those fantasies that would have worked much better as satire. Very self-serious ideas would be excellent running jokes, like the way Santa leaves Philadelphia in the opening scenes with security detail as if he were the president. By playing it straight, we’re left wondering why a centuries-old magical being needs Callum to run Secret Service-style checks. One can’t help but chortle when Santa pumps iron before Callum walks in, bemoaning that everyone is so naughty. Even the North Pole feels rather gloomy, with more somber palettes than colorful Christmas spirit. What the movie seems to be aiming for is something like Netflix’s “The Christmas Chronicles,” which also tried to turn Santa into the subject of a testosterone action fest. At least Kasdan avoids overloading the soundtrack with needle drops except for Christmas standards playing through toy store speakers.

The great fault of the movie is that the story never picks up much momentum. If you’re going the action fest route, then go all the way. The movie lazily drops plot beats involving Jack’s relationship with his adolescent son, who is understandably gloomy. Too many conversations are pure exposition to explain how the villain is Grýla (Kiernan Shipka), a witch determined to trap humanity in evil snow globes. Her gripe is that no one is nice, so she’ll force us all to behave with her bizarre scheme. Krampus (Kristofer Hivju) also makes some half-hearted appearances as Santa’s estranged brother, who talks like a locker room jock. He has some of the better moments with the Rock as they do manly things like slap each other until one of them passes out (it’s the most wonderful time of the year). Probably the most intriguing character in the whole enterprise is Garcia, a polar bar decked out in combat gear who is Callum’s chief backup. 

Santa shall indeed be rescued on time to drop presents on Christmas to billions around the world, in an entertaining montage where J.K. Simmons looks like an Olympic athlete surrounded by murky CGI. The movie overall needs more of that energy. Kasdan should have fed off the better gags, as when Callum shows Jack the way toy store storage rooms are portals into other toy stores. He also has a neat gadget that makes toys like Hot Wheels life size when needed for a mission. What’s the logic? There is none. Technically, there shouldn’t be when the fantasy is working. J.K. Simmons is such a natural authority figure he phones in his wise, all-knowing Santa, though Mrs. Claus (Bonnie Hunt) is absurdly underused. The Rock does his Rock thing, posing stoically, jaw clenched. Maybe some audiences will bask in the odd, languishing distraction this movie provides. Yet, it’s the holidays in a world going berserk. We deserve some better stocking stuffers.

“Red One” releases Nov. 15 in theaters nationwide.